Seriously Catherine – Do It Afraid with Dr. Shai Butler | Episode 14 – Palette
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Seriously Catherine – Do It Afraid with Dr. Shai Butler | Episode 14

Purpose for a season! Let’s discuss how both positive and challenging experiences shape one’s identity. Dr. Shai shares insights on finding motivation during dark days and the pivotal role faith played in her personal journey.

The conversation with Catherine extends to the significance of community support in uplifting individuals, emphasizing the value of unity over perfectionism. Explore the dynamic interplay between intent and impact, as well as the empowering journey of women stepping into their power and bringing everyone along.

As the episode unfolds, Dr. Shai and Catherine touch upon the essential theme of motherhood. They stress the importance of showing up for your children, offering unwavering support during their ups and downs. Tune in for a captivating dialogue filled with wisdom, motivation, and a celebration of the strength found in embracing challenges.

Find out more about Dr. Shai and her podcast HERE.

HOT TAKES: Moms going away solo without guilt. Are you one of them?

SARATOGA: Taylor Swift + Football + Where to catch a game in town!

FACE PALM MOM: New Year’s Day spent cleaning out… wait for it… mouse poop!! Yes! You won’t believe who was hoarding Halloween candy in the kitchen cabinets.

Don’t forget to check out Saratoga Living’s After Hours for what’s new and happening in Saratoga!

Special Thanks to the Adelphi Hotel for being our Launch Partners!

Shoutout to Hoffman’s Car Wash!

⇩ Find Catherine ⇩


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*This Transcript is Autogenerated*

Dr. Shai Butler 0:00
I would love to be one of those individuals that learn from watching the failures of others. But sometimes in my life I’ve had to fail myself to really make the change that I needed to make to be the person that I needed to be

Catherine Hover 0:20
welcome to seriously Catherine a podcast about taking your business seriously, but not yourself. So this week’s Hot take revolves around me going away, I’m going home for the weekend. It’s like part, necessity, part business part just I need to get out of dodge and sometimes go into the movie by yourself just doesn’t cut it, you got to get out. So I’m going why Thursday to Sunday, and I cannot be more excited. I miss home, I haven’t been home since Thanksgiving. And home with the kids is a different experience at home like by myself, like I’m gonna have like the freedom to go meet my girlfriends and or do whatever I want to I’m so excited. I may even ride in a Mardi Gras parade this weekend to be determined. I’ll keep you guys posted. But it is Mardi Gras. It’s Carnival season in New Orleans. So it’s a great time to go down there and not get into too much trouble. This is sort of like a conflicted, you know, topic because some moms I find like would never would never go away by themselves. And then maybe not even like me, they’ll go away, but not by themselves. Like without their husbands. So or it’s got to be a girls trip, or it’s got to be like there’s got to be some sort of like thing that is taking you away. So you don’t feel the guilt of leaving your children. And I don’t I don’t have any of that guilt. I mean, call me what you want. But I don’t have the guilt. I mean, I’m with my kids all the time. I spend lots of time with them. And I think it’s important for them to have a sense of independence and confidence when I’m not around because like let’s face it, I’m not gonna be around forever. So yeah, you’re on your own kids. As Taylor Swift would say. Speaking of Taylor, speaking of football, I mean, it’s impossible, you know, for her to be in your face when you’re talking about football, and the fashion that’s what I liked watching it for like, I’m sorry, but fashion football fashion has come a long way since like, I actually really watched football. I used to be really into football when the saints were doing really well. And they were in the Super Bowl. And it was after Katrina and everybody was just like live in that like pride of New Orleans has been re enlightened by Taylor Swift. I wouldn’t say that I’m a chiefs fan. Like there are some people who were like, oh, now I’m watching football. I’m watching the chiefs. I’m all about the Chiefs because Taylor Swift, I’m not that intense. But I’m certainly like, on top of what she’s wearing, because she I mean, she wears something different. It’s so cute. And like, again, fashion has come so far. So if you are looking for a place to go and watch football in Saratoga, Saratoga living has some suggestions. A couple of them I agree with I think like Harvey’s could be a really fun spot to watch football game but I think of when I think of Harvey’s I think more of like soccer instead of American football. So that’s just like my stance on that. Kings Tavern is definitely a really cool place to go watch some football, I mean, you’re gonna be like high fiving and hugging people on the way in and out. Or maybe you’re gonna be getting in fights. I don’t know. They’re like, it’s a fun crowd there. And then the other two places that I don’t think are mentioned here is trotters and Clancy’s like those are those are big places or the you know, sports bar vibe where you are going to be able to like get rowdy and you know yell at the TV and everything and it’s going to be totally acceptable. So that is what I have to say about that. Okay, so if you know me, you know that I love what I do. And I’m a workaholic. So if I ever have a chance to get away, I can’t go too far away without my kids and without being so far away from works the Delphi is my go to. What’s really great about the Delphi is that it has everything you need. It’s right there on Broadway. It has a restaurant, it’s got the breakfast join it’s got it all and the room service is amazing. So last Christmas we did Christmas Day Night at the Delphi we booked the Polaris suite which is really special because it has a hot tub on the balcony. And the kids loved it. It was so much when we ordered room service and it was just like the most special thing and again, it’s got a Jacuzzi. I mean who doesn’t want to use a Jacuzzi at the end Delphi if you don’t have the opportunity to stay at the Adelphia you can still go and hang out in their in their lobby or eat at their restaurants. The best sushi in town by far I believe is at the Delphi you should get the rainbow roll you can thank me later it’s delicious. It’s absolutely the bomb. If you are local and you need a night off or a night away don’t go too far go right there to be a Delphi book yourself a ROM have dinner there have breakfast in the morning and you’ll feel like a totally different person when you wake up. On this week’s episode of seriously, Catherine, we are joined by Dr. Shay Butler. Che is an amazing role model to me. She’s an author, speaker, executive strategist and Mother wife. And I’m just so excited for you guys to hear about her and have her tell her story. She authored a book called Better not perfect, from hot mess to life success, a woman’s guide to learning loving, and being herself unapologetically, and I cannot wait for this conversation, you have such a unique story, and you’re so open and transparent about it, that’s one of the things that I just absolutely love about you is that you put it all out on the table. And, um, I pride myself in being transparent, or at least attempting to be transparent, but it’s hard, you know, to do that in a marriage in a in a business with your kids, you know, so, you know, I want I definitely want you to speak to that, too. It’s like, you’re raising a family. And that has a lot to do with how you show up in the world.

Dr. Shai Butler 6:02
It does. And it probably played a key role into my choices about purpose and purpose for a season. And, and when I do talk to audiences, I do talk about that, you know, one of the things that I’m known for saying is that, you know, I can’t see how an all knowing Creator would give us on average, 80 years of life, and one thing to do, the math doesn’t add up. Yeah, just doesn’t make sense. You know, so there’s purpose for seasons. Yeah. And our lives and, and when you see that, when you realize that when you embrace and understand that, then the pressure is off. You know, I used to do some executive coaching. Although it’s really not coaching, it’s really more of I call myself a career life strategist. Because one thing that I learned about myself is actually when I started to go through this process of coaching and learning what it took to be a coach, I say, well, that’s not really not me, I’m not really the person that’s going to ask these probing questions to guide you along. I’m more of a thought partner that’s going to come alongside you. And we’re going to roll up our sleeves, and we’re going to come up with a strategy and a plan of execution. And, you know, so when you need to unpack things, go to your therapist, I have one I believe in therapy, you know, when you need to process and you need some guidance, you know, have a coach, I’ve had one believe in what, what coaches do, but then when you have all that information, and you’re sitting there like what, okay, what am I gonna do? You know, I’m unpacking me, I’m unpacking life. You know, now, what do I do? Ya know, what? Yeah, so, um, when you have the now what question come find me. Okay.

Catherine Hover 7:48
Yeah. And so that’s amazing, because I think a lot of times people get there, right? They do all this investing and investigating into their lives. And you know, what makes them tick and what they want out of it and everything. And then the action pieces is like, what? Yeah, now what? Yeah, like, I know what I want to do. And then you got people who who just have no clue. Right? You know, and I worry about as when I was growing up, I was so lost, like, I think growing up, it was like, you know, go to college, get something, get some sort of degree, but more importantly, meet somebody and marry him and have his baby. Have you ever heard that getting the degree? Yeah. Oh, yeah. So I don’t think I put much focus on what it is I wanted to do with myself as much as I put focus on, you know, that that piece, and I mean, I don’t want to say it was a disservice, because I am married to the guy I met in college. And, you know, we have these three beautiful kids and a life that we’ve created for ourselves. But it wasn’t until I moved to Saratoga, and I felt like, wow, this is such a new beginning and a new opportunity to put my stake in the ground and figure out who I am. And it just opened up a whole new world. But prior to that, it was like, I was just going along with the flow. And it was not like I had a plan. Right. And

Dr. Shai Butler 9:07
sometimes we do happen into things. You know, I’m a person, I’m a woman of faith. I don’t believe that there are accidents. You know, I believe in different seasons of my life. Even though I didn’t have a plan. I was still exactly where I was supposed to be. I can look back, I can think of the impacts that I made. And in previous seasons and prior roles, in early on in my career Early in my family, and no, there wasn’t this big strategy. There wasn’t this plan. There wasn’t this, you know, but yet and still, when I look back, I was right where I was supposed to be.

Catherine Hover 9:42
So we’ve we’ve talked about this a little bit on the podcast with other guests about how I’m very much so you do have to go through the challenges and you have to be challenged you have to overcome to really get a sense of what you know who you are, what you how strong you are your resiliency to build all that care. They’re building. But there are some people who are on the camp of like, No, you actually didn’t have to go through all that shit and you didn’t have to go the trauma and you didn’t have to be put in a corner or oppressed or felt to believe that you were less than to overcome. And so I would love to get your take on this because you’ve been through some shit.

Dr. Shai Butler 10:16
No, I really have and I tell about it, I talk about it all in the book better not perfect from hot mess to life success. You know, I am solidly in the camp of those experiences made me Yeah, woman I am today. And the woman I am today is purposed to be able to sit down, have authentic, transparent conversations with other women who are going through or have been through similar things, and who are broken. Because there was a period in my life where I was broken to help them. Think about the rebuilding process. There’s a chapter I think it’s chapter two in the book that goes first you dig, then you build. And I talk about the foundation. Sometimes when you’re destined to go really high in life, sometimes you have to dig that foundation really low, because it has to uphold and sustain. Yeah, everything that’s gonna go layer by layer floor by floor. And so if I didn’t learn resiliency, young, as a pregnant teenager who you’re 13, right, I was 13 when I got pregnant, 14 when I had my baby. So if I wasn’t in the type of, like, ultra conservative church that I was in and to have this thing happen, and have to go through because my mother said, no, no, you’re going every Sunday, you’re gonna go, you’re gonna hold your head up high, you’re going to be strong, because she had this this thing like Mary Magdalene thing, like, let he that is among you that has no sense of the first stone, you know, and as an adult, I could see how she might see it that way. But as a teenager having to live it and walk in it. It was traumatic. Yeah. You know, it was so traumatic. And I always felt judged.

Catherine Hover 12:04
Yeah. So are you raised Catholic? was a no, no, no,

Dr. Shai Butler 12:08
believe me there are Protestant. Yeah, it was more like an Evangelical Church. Yeah, yeah. You

Catherine Hover 12:14
know, organized religion. It’s an interesting, you know, system it where, you know, you’re being taught not to judge you’re being taught to be open. But then you’re the demonstration is not that No, I mean, in my experience, yeah, I was raised Catholic. So I mean, there was a huge, sort of, just like so many examples. everyday examples are like, Well, wait a minute, as Catholics, shouldn’t we be accepting of this? Or shouldn’t we be supportive of this or understanding or not judgmental, but that’s not the reality of what what it was? And

Dr. Shai Butler 12:45
no, and we do sometimes have a real disservice to God and to Christ, if you’re a Christian, you know, because you’re not always living out with the tenets of your faith or, or the espouse tenets of your faith. Yeah. And so, thankfully, though, as you mature, if you stick with it, and there was a time I left it, there was a time I left the church, I wasn’t really practicing my faith. But what drew me back was a reintroduction to the God of love. And that sometimes you can see in people, and sometimes you don’t, yeah, but as long as God isn’t doing the things that people are doing, then I can still embrace the faith. And just say, Well, Lord, that’s your problem. You work on the people. Yeah, let me just, yeah, you’re called to that. I’m called to this. So let me let God do what God does. And let me do what I do.

Catherine Hover 13:36
Yeah, yeah, that’s a good way to put it. Anyway, this is this is a whole nother conversation we could have on religion, I don’t really need to go to church to pray to God, like I have a conversation with him on a daily basis and do pray, just not in the sense that, you know, other people do.

Dr. Shai Butler 13:53
Yeah. And I understand that point. I think for me, I have a different lens that I bring, when I think about that. And one of the lenses is the same way. I’ve sort of believe in bring believing the sisterhood, right? And being around women. I don’t have to be around women to be a supporter of women, right? But it helps to be in an environment where I’m around women. So I look at church kind of the same way, and that I don’t have to go to church to love and worship God. But I like to be around, you know, like minded people. Yeah,

Catherine Hover 14:26
it’s the people. It’s the community. It’s the community that’s built. Yeah. And I also think that there’s like this sense of accountability, right? So if you’re showing up every day, and you’re talking about things that are happening in your world and in your life, they’re there to support you through that. Yes, instead of you feeling isolated and alone and like you got to the left to figure it out by yourself.

Dr. Shai Butler 14:47
And the one thing I’ve done is I took my daughter to church, not as regularly and as often as I did my sons growing up, I was just in a different place. So my daughter was the daughter of the my teenage years. Is my two sons who are 18 and 17 are the children of my married years. And the one thing is, you know, I want I don’t want people to think that because you practice phase, you don’t bring your brain to church. And I think that’s sometimes the impression. So when you talk about being skeptical, I think this that’s the perfect place for you. Because you do you test everything I test everything that’s given to me. Yeah, I don’t care if it’s the PhD standing in front of me in a course, you know, or if it’s the preacher on Sunday morning, I test everything that I’m given, it’s

Catherine Hover 15:33
also, you know, taking into consideration things that happened, right, I kind of always went back to like, you know, if you’re gonna say, going to do something, do it have a strong faith in myself, and I have a strong expectation on my own self and like, a reputation to uphold, and I don’t ever want that to be tarnished. Because I said I was going to do something and then didn’t and I don’t know if that was like an upbringing to like, maybe that was something like your values and my values and values. Yeah, like, yeah, I just, I always show up. I think that is another thing that I have really had to navigate as I grow older, right? Like, I have three kids, my husband travels for work, I can’t show up at everything, right? I can’t actually be mad all the things and I can’t do all the things anymore, because I just don’t have the, the capacity, right? And so learning how to ask people for help, you know, I thought I was really good at asking for help until you get to a point like where you, you really do have to tell people like, Okay, I can’t, I literally can’t do this anymore. So it did take me almost dying in August, losing all the blood. And it’s been a journey to really to do that. It’s easier said than done. And that’s

Dr. Shai Butler 16:47
a sign. I mean, sometimes we don’t think that we’re perfectionists, but then sometimes our lived experience shows that there are those aspects of perfectionism that are in our personality, you know, because while you’re doing it for it, because it’s you instill values to be a woman of your word, and you know what the impact can be if you if you don’t keep your word, and maybe less about what people think about you. Whereas for some people, they’re driven more by what people think about them. If I don’t show up, or I promised to be here, I promised to be there. There are all different types of manifestations of how we show up as perfectionist, you know, and that is one of them. The fact that you felt so deeply about not being able to be there and to be that woman of your word and every instance or situation. And we know that there’s the intent, and then there’s the impact, right? Yeah. So my dad intended to be a great father, when he started out on this journey, but because of challenges in his life, drugs and alcohol that I later talked about, even in my life, drugs and alcohol, he wasn’t aware of the impact when his intentions were not manifested. And so by that, I mean, he wanted to be there, but he couldn’t be there, because his addiction made him inconsistent. And inconsistency for a child is part of that trauma that you experienced early on. So I mean, I in my dating years, I was not the woman. I was not the one you really wanted to date. Because if you weren’t a man of your word, you were you were you were DOA. Yeah, you know if and it would be around the smallest things, but it really wasn’t about that person.

Catherine Hover 18:33
Yeah, and your own shit about miles stuff, right?

Dr. Shai Butler 18:34
My dad, you know, you know, I was ready to go again. Here we go. Here we go. You know, you said you were coming to my family’s cookout. And now you’re saying, you have to work that day. But you made this promise, you told me you were going to do this. And I had to really work through some stuff. Yeah, the side of that. Yeah,

Catherine Hover 18:55
I was having dinner with friends. And we were sort of talking about another another mom and the way that she shows up and a lot of moms feel judged. And, you know, and I just like recognized in the situation that this woman isn’t actually judging, you know, she’s just she’s incapable of showing that support. And because she’s got her own baggage and her own stuff happening, you know, so this is I think you’ll have clients forever, right? If you’re working with women, mothers who are trying to overcome perfectionism and and yeah, what people think and what they think of themselves. It’s so loaded, but it’s such important work because when we help women in our world, we do help the world we change the world, right? Like, it’s so interesting to like, a lot of the times we don’t feel like we need to work on ourselves until it gets really obvious. It’s almost like a, you know, a brick to your head by like she like wake up and then do the work. It’s true. I mean,

Dr. Shai Butler 19:53
I would say I would love to be one of those individuals that learned from watching the failures of others, but Sometimes in my life I’ve had to fail myself to really make the change that I needed to make to be the person that I needed to be you know and I love that too Raji said that because

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